Saturday, May 23, 2015

Sitcom World

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a sitcom world?  Not just for the constant stream of laughs.  But the way whatever happened this week would mostly be forgotten about next week?  The every week ended on some sort of personal growth based homily?

But at the same time you didn't have to change.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Sentimental Kills

Oh Cheer Chen.  You are just the most fabulously cool person.  Sometimes you sing in English.

Everytime when I fall asleep
I wish I won't pretend to sleep
Maybe I am a freak

Everytime when I shed a tear
How I wish I won't take responsibility
To make you sorry

But the lazy days lie on my bed
The story goes on
Years go by
The shadow tells me
Sentimental kills

Everytime when I fall asleep
I wish I really have a beautiful dream
To make me happy be happy

Please save save save me

Friday, May 15, 2015

I've Got a Pain in My Sawdust

Having vivid daydreams about Stewie Griffin and an albino Mekon laughing at me. 

I can't get revenge. I can't get 7-8 years back. I guess I could get revenge. But it won't bring me peace. Because it doesn't make every hug, every saranghae, every wo ai ni ... Just a peice of crap. A way of manipulating me. 

I haven't cried for 10 months. Until I can, it just gets bottled up. I get bitter. And it means I can't get close to anyone ever again.

The only intimacy I can achieve is with strangers. I can't get close. I push away. I run and hide. I thought she made me a better person. But no. I was just a puppet. 

I've got a pain in my sawdust. 

I can't make anything work now. Because my default position is distrust. Everybody lies. Everybody wants something. I'm a tool, a means to an end. I've got nobody that doesn't want me because they've got an angle I can help them with. 

In the last 7 days, I've helped 3 people. Just by being me. But I'm out of pocket. They've gone back to their lives. I'm still alone. I've no one I can call on.

Double, triple negatives.

Stewie is laughing. Cackling. Like a big headed witch. The Albino Mekon, he's laughing too. Bald but a winner. Not that it was a contest. 

My shelves and iPod join in. Everything is a reminder. Laughing at me and my stupidity.

I step out of my door, in my suit, and the armour protects me. But I'm empty. At work I'm just finding ways to get through the day. I'm a stand up comic with no material.

I should take comfort i wasn't alone. Is there a survivors group I can sign up for? Ha! I could be the president. But they all probably lasted a few days. Weeks maybe. I can't let it go. 

Writing isn't helping.

And now my body is starting to reject me. Not a part of me isn't hurt and aching. 

I wish I found alcohol enticing. Just doesn't work for me. No numbness. No wet place to hide. 

I need to get away. From here. From the net. From my computers and my tablets and my phone.

I bet Stewie and the Mekon have wet themselves laughing. And their friends. The fucking circle. No wonder i couldn't join. Wouldn't work if there no one to laugh at.

Monday, May 11, 2015

We Used To Be Friends

I like this song a lot.  I love songs with funny little noises pootling around in the background.  And, yeah.  It makes me think of a friend I lost.

Except, I haven't stopped thinking about you lately.  Lies or no lies.  I miss the friendship.

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet to the soul is all I intend.

a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

Come on now, honey,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, sugar,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
just remember me when.

It's something I said, or someone I know.
Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home.
Now everybody needs some time,
and everybody know
The rest of it's fine
And everybody knows that.

Come on now, sugar,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, honey,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
just remember me when.

We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends, hey

a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet to the soul is all I intend.

We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends,
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

I've Been Looking So Long At These Pictures Of You

The third piece of evidence is probably the strongest. It's kinda hard to write about too. But only because it seems so obvious now.

Two bits of info for context. Firstly, the best part of our friendship was movie nights. We'd meet online, watch a film together, and just talk. Without the usual madness. It meant everything to me. It was in the days when MSN Messenger was our usual chat platform. Which often meant a lot of hanging around. When it worked? It was fabulous, for me at least. Though there were times she'd just disappear mid convo, or worse, simply not turn up. Funny thing is, she'd never cancel. I never got a message saying 'I can't do it tonight'. 

Then the was the constant ghost of LL. I remember my first introduction to her ''here's a bitch I know'. An ex, a friend, an enemy, the status of the relationship was never clear. Eventually she asked if I wanted to chat to KL as well. So that happened, though that seemed to take a much longer time than it ought.

I was suspicious, even called her out on it. But it seemed legitimate enough back then. Except.. I never bumped into them online at the same time.

One night she didn't turn up for a movie night. I was pretty low, so turned to the chat room I originally met her in. And there was KL. we chatted, and eventually we got to playing a game where I'd ask for her to take photos, pulling faces etc. and I got them. KL and I chatted for a week or so, but I missed my friend, and eventually KL got her to chat to me. Now it's so obvious. But then? I was naive.

I don't have those pictures any more, but they are proof of the existence of KL as someone I was chatting to.

Years later it came to me that maybe I had it backwards. She wasn't pretending to be KL, but rather the reverse.  It was a lightbulb moment that is amongst the most clear and bright I have ever had. It took me a few weeks to tell her this, and that email for a few hours gave me a sense of relief. She didn't deny it, but replaced her name with a new one. One maybe just too good to be true. But I was so desperate to believe, I swallowed everything.

It only lasted a few months. I was given a new face, then another. Then another.. Eventually I got SY. And I've told you have that worked out.

I've had other things that point to this being the truth. Things forwarded that clearly come from KL. little clues I've found online. Accused her a couple more times.

But it's the one face she's been aggressive about denying. But other times she's said things that only make sense in the KL context.

Sadly that accusation was the last time she actively asked for a movie night.  There were a handful after, but I had to beg for them. 

I think there's one more post in me. About this. Till next time..

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Strange Case of the Windstruck DVD

This one is a story in three phases.

Phase One:
Once upon a long time ago, back when things were still Korean, I got myself a copy of Windstruck on DVD.  Special edition.  Quite expensive.  And like many thing related to her, I lost out big time.  The site I ordered it from wasn't secure, and my Credit Card got compromised.  Happened again later, but that's my own fault.

However, I thought that film was important to us, so I proudly took a photo of myself holding it.  I never really sent that many photos of my face over the years, so it clearly had some kind of impact.  Hold that thought, save it, we will be coming back.

Phase Two:
Time passed, and let's move forward a few years.  We have suffered a few face shifts.  We have had my first flat out accusation.  Occasionally I would get new pictures of KL (I wonder sometimes if she was trying to tell me something), and one in particular took my eye.  A new face was next to her.  We will call her SY.  Now SY scrubbed up really nicely.  And interestingly, she was used to be the next face.  Along with some more candid shots, and a tale of an abusive husband.  Of course, this was hard to maintain with the whole lesbian thing, so it soon was parked.  I can't even remember where it went next.  Time passes again.

Phase Three:
At my lowest ebb, she offered up a new face, one that seemingly ticked all the boxes.  But for a couple of weeks I could see something was bothering her.  She wanted to land some new revelation on me.  I got given clues and hints.  But I wasn't biting, not the way she wanted.  Eventually though it accelerated, and I was presented with a new picture.  The only picture ever that wasn't generic.  It was SY holding up a Windstruck DVD.  Well, hardly holding it up. More like shamefacedly holding it up under protest.  For once I didn't push, but she basically (after a long long day) chose to tell me.. sorry, this is me.  I hear sorry a lot.  But this was a good one.  It connected ME with the person in the photo.  That had only happened once before (and will be subject of my next posting).

This ran for a few months.  Eventually we returned to the face that made more sense.

However, the point is?  SY only exists within a KL context.  Photos always had them both in it.  And a face that strangely rarely gets an outing elsewhere.  I know therefore that SY is like P, and is connected directly with KL, and has in some way (whether knowingly or not I am uncertain) connected directly with me.

I should be happy that the deception was for once deeper than the usual nonsense.  It took something from our shared past.  Maybe it meant something to her after all.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Friends of P

Not the song by "The Rentals".  Though why don't we have a music link?  Not sure if the Russian subtitles were part of the original video, but somehow it suits the aesthetic.

Anyway.  P. There was a face and a name that floated around my relationship with her.  In fact, in a way, P was the first aspect of her I ever met online.  Fan Bing Bing I think was who we talked about.  Ironically I had forgotten about it until she reminded me a few years later.

But yeah, his face always floated around on the periphery, the occasional breadcrumb that was followed, with unsatisfactory and frankly uncomfortable results.  Oh, the possibilities I conjugated.

Then one day I thought I would follow up on what I saw.  God only knows what would have happened if I had the balls to fully follow through, but for the first and only time I at least got close and saw someone that up to now only existed in photographs.

My lack of commitment to the chase meant that it all fell apart moments before real contact could be made, but it was kinda funny.  Poor P had to literally run away from me.  Now that's hilarious, because NO-ONE runs from me.  I am the least physically intimidating specimen you'll ever meet.  It wouldn't take three falls and or a submission.

Afterwards I got the usual method of excuse and manipulation.  I was told that surely I couldn't believe that the reason for the meeting was her.  I was given a funny little stop-motion video.  I was made to feel like a complete heel.  Later, I was told I had created all kinds of problems.  Which is probably true.  But I also know I wasn't the only person who followed up this trail.  And rather hilariously, sometimes the evidence of this trail is used as a way for people to think her a fake.

Anyway.  This is my only brush in the physical plane.  P links only to KL.  I've found other stuff too.  Which shows that the relationship between P and KL is quite real.  But again, my desire to believe in the original lie, simply meant I was able to be manipulated.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Enno Cheng and the Reverse Catfish

Enno Cheng is a Taiwanese Singer-songwriter, Actress and Author.  She's pretty cool.  I would suggest you look up her solo LP "Neptune" or either of her Lp's with her band "Chocolate Tiger".  And her movie "Summer's Tail" is really neat too.  I seriously must get around to reviewing it.  However, today's post isn't really about her.  It's about how sometimes people online really really suck.

I was always into cinema, especially what you might call "Cult" cinema, so my eventual love for Asian Cinema came quite naturally.  You can find a more full history over at GweiloRamblings.  What is important for this piece is that I met someone online that reignited my love of that cinema nearly 8 years ago.  I was proud to call her my friend.  She was cool.  And helped me out a lot at a time I was struggling to survive in every area of my life.  I don't need to mention her by name (which is hilarious when you read the rest of it), and I don't want to give too much away.  She's a person with a life.  This is for me to explore my thinking, not any kind of blame/revenge plan.

She wasn't easy to keep as a friend.  She was a lesbian, bi-polar, and frankly used to occasionally treat me like crap.  But hey.  No-one, least of all me, is perfect.  Good stuff outweighed the bad.

Even though we had huge long chats online, and we lived about an hour away from each other, we never met.  There was always an excuse.  Or she just wouldn't turn up.  I'd eventually forgive.  Though not forget, and just keep trying again.  Over and over.

Over the years, I would prod and poke, and it would be clear she wasn't quite who she said she was.  So we went through various faces on her part. Names too.  Sometimes it would be because I out and out told her I didn't believe what she was telling me.  Sometimes she would apparantly want to come clean. She changed from being Korean to being from Hong Kong.  Her age was a point of contention.  There was plenty of stuff that simply didn't add up.  But in the main, this was fine, the majority of the chats were so much fun, and I learned a heck of a lot.  And I was always told, whatever I might think I had found out?  I wasn't much of a detective.

But this isn't news to anyone who has struck up friendships online.  People pretend to be other people.  Maybe better versions of themselves.  Or use the anomynity of the online world to get things they maybe can't in reality.  I get it, but it isn't fun being on the other side of the screen.

We really fell out just before Christmas.  I said how I felt about a number of things.  And she broke off contact with me.  She managed to twist things to make it about how I acted about something, but frankly it had been dying for a while.  I just gave her an excuse.

To be fair, in the following 5 months, there were a couple of attempts to get things back again on track, always initiated by her.  But to be honest, I was tired of always being the one who said sorry first, and still so much didn't add up.

I mean.. meeting someone for coffee isn't that big a deal is it? Not someone you have spoken to pretty much every day for 7 years. Someone you apparantly have shared thoughts and feelings with.  And she was gay, so nothing complicated could happen right?

So the last time we started chatting, she bought up Enno a lot.  Now I don't talk much chinese, and I can't read it at all.  But Enno was in the sub-group of musicians we talked about that she seemed to have an empathy with because she was also gay.  Or so I was told by my friend.

Now I don't live in a bubble, I am able to look at stuff online all on my own.  But some things I just take on trust.  So when I found out Enno was married to Sam from Taiwanese Indie Band "Fire Ex", I was intrigued.  More so when I realised Sam was a guy.  Seemed Enno was a funny kind of lesbian.

The not-a-lesbian-at-all type of lesbian.

Which raised a bunch of alarm bells.  Lots of old thoughts came back.  Why would my friend make up this lie?  It's utterly pointless.  Hiding behind fake names and faces is one thing.  But making up this just made no sense.

Except....  it got me thinking about the one thing I had held to be the truth.  The one thing from our first chat that had remained a constant.  The fact she was a lesbian.  She certainly talked a good game about being gay.  But you know what?  What if that very first foundation was as much a fib or half truth as everything that followed?

What if... she wasn't gay at all.  What if at best she was bisexual?  What if, just like Enno, she had a husband?  That would be a bloody good reason for not meeting someone wouldn't it?

She often talked about how her lies were sometimes to protect others rather than herself.  Sometimes I took it to mean me.  But of course, what if it was to protect him?

So let's take a trip down memory lane.  But do it as Dr Gregory House would.  Let us use his credo of "Everybody Lies".  Therefore everything I have ever been told by her is discounted.  Let's deal with verifiable facts.  And see where it leads us.

But not today...


Equations To Describe My Thoughts



J=P+KL(+r): Where KL=K2


S observes P in physical plane S-H

Image of S is mirrored by Image of SY

S observes live images of KL

S only observes peripheral images connected with KL


Fr(K) not = Fr(C)

No observation of K+C

Time taken to traverse S-H and Ln inconsistent and impractical

P supports K
Arrival of r makes NULL infinite.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Return of ThingsFallApart

Thingsfallapart has now been dead for 15 months, yet still it gets the odd hit.  And strangely they never follow on to go visit my new blog, which has all the old content and much more besides.  So if you want all my asian movie stuff - hurry along to GweiloRamblings.

But as I am keeping it as a placeholder, I might as well use it for something.  It's probably going to be used for much more random and less focussed bits of writing.  Maybe the odd review of other non-asian stuff.  The odd thought.  The occasional link.  But mostly?  Maybe some kind of online diary.  Because sometimes I need to write what I am thinking.  And as I know no-one really reads or cares what is on here?  It feels both safe and cathartic.