Friday, July 31, 2015

If I See Hell, I Won't Be Afraid of Demons

I don't love you,
Not even miss you,
Not anymore.

Which is a lie.  Maybe I don't love you.  But I miss you.

I knew definitively seeing you again would screw me up.

Sunday, July 05, 2015

I'm Fine

I really like this one a lot.  I hoped.... that it would give me some comfort.  That I could say "I'm fine". That I am ok.  But I am really not.  I'm barely holding it together.  I am putting on a brave face, my usual mask for the public.  But all my old failings are coming back.  Glimpses this week have shown me I wasn't as strong as I thought. The insomnia isn't helping.  No it isn't insomnia.  It isn't that I can't sleep.  I'm not even trying. I am not tired. I have just sat here all day doing nothing. 

And I am frustrated at myself.  I had a lovely interview this week with a couple people for the film writing.  I managed to deal with meeting strangers, being presented with having to find them in a cafe, and not being a total uncommunicative jerk.  We chatted more like friends than anything formal.  It was fun.

Yet it showed me everything that is wrong with me.  I was putting on an act.  That must be it right?  How else can you explain someone as charming and witty and fun as that version of me seemed to be has exactly zero real friends? I have a few acquaintances. I even have people in other countries that like to talk to me on occasion.  But I have no friends.  And when someone does try?  I run from it.  I go all 'cool' and end up rejecting them.

I'm worried about the darkness that is starting to cloud my mind.  This is about more than my wasted years with the catfish bitch.  This is about me being so close to just giving up.  If I can't connect with some real human beings soon, I simply can't see how I am going to continue.

Cry for help? Cry for attention?  Maybe I just need to write it down.

So yeah.  Not fine. Not at all.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

What is a friend?

A friend is the one person you lie to constantly. The one person that you say knows you more than anyone else, but in reality they know less about you than a stranger. A friend is someone you manipulate for your own gain. That you laugh at behind their back. That you show fake care for.

Seems my dictionary has it wrong

Sunday, May 24, 2015

9 Weeks

I have now quit smoking for over 10 weeks. I'm still popping nicotine, but the cost of cigarettes has gone. 

And that's all yay. I'm feeling healthier for sure. But I also know that it's 9 weeks since it ended. 

The last week was the previous 7 years in microcosm. One really good special day with proper sharing. A few days of just niceness. Then a 'I'm so sad I want to die but I can't tell you why'. With a dash of 'you don't deserve this'. And then a fabrication, and information that could only cause stress. And then? Mid conversation? Just left.

Since then there's been plenty that could have normally generated convo. My Birthday would have been a nice touch. The Scandal gig. Though that was another lie. I was there. You were doing something else - even if you said you had a ticket. Daredevil. Ultron. Supergirl. Chocolate Tiger (Enno is still married). 

But no. Maybe you tired of just telling lies.

At least to me

And the hilarious thing? The truth would have been just fine. We could have been friends. The reality of your life is fairly easy to cope with.

Because I don't think you ever actually understood. 

The door will remain open.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Sitcom World

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a sitcom world?  Not just for the constant stream of laughs.  But the way whatever happened this week would mostly be forgotten about next week?  The every week ended on some sort of personal growth based homily?

But at the same time you didn't have to change.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Sentimental Kills

Oh Cheer Chen.  You are just the most fabulously cool person.  Sometimes you sing in English.

Everytime when I fall asleep
I wish I won't pretend to sleep
Maybe I am a freak

Everytime when I shed a tear
How I wish I won't take responsibility
To make you sorry

But the lazy days lie on my bed
The story goes on
Years go by
The shadow tells me
Sentimental kills

Everytime when I fall asleep
I wish I really have a beautiful dream
To make me happy be happy

Please save save save me

Friday, May 15, 2015

I've Got a Pain in My Sawdust

Having vivid daydreams about Stewie Griffin and an albino Mekon laughing at me. 

I can't get revenge. I can't get 7-8 years back. I guess I could get revenge. But it won't bring me peace. Because it doesn't make every hug, every saranghae, every wo ai ni ... Just a peice of crap. A way of manipulating me. 

I haven't cried for 10 months. Until I can, it just gets bottled up. I get bitter. And it means I can't get close to anyone ever again.

The only intimacy I can achieve is with strangers. I can't get close. I push away. I run and hide. I thought she made me a better person. But no. I was just a puppet. 

I've got a pain in my sawdust. 

I can't make anything work now. Because my default position is distrust. Everybody lies. Everybody wants something. I'm a tool, a means to an end. I've got nobody that doesn't want me because they've got an angle I can help them with. 

In the last 7 days, I've helped 3 people. Just by being me. But I'm out of pocket. They've gone back to their lives. I'm still alone. I've no one I can call on.

Double, triple negatives.

Stewie is laughing. Cackling. Like a big headed witch. The Albino Mekon, he's laughing too. Bald but a winner. Not that it was a contest. 

My shelves and iPod join in. Everything is a reminder. Laughing at me and my stupidity.

I step out of my door, in my suit, and the armour protects me. But I'm empty. At work I'm just finding ways to get through the day. I'm a stand up comic with no material.

I should take comfort i wasn't alone. Is there a survivors group I can sign up for? Ha! I could be the president. But they all probably lasted a few days. Weeks maybe. I can't let it go. 

Writing isn't helping.

And now my body is starting to reject me. Not a part of me isn't hurt and aching. 

I wish I found alcohol enticing. Just doesn't work for me. No numbness. No wet place to hide. 

I need to get away. From here. From the net. From my computers and my tablets and my phone.

I bet Stewie and the Mekon have wet themselves laughing. And their friends. The fucking circle. No wonder i couldn't join. Wouldn't work if there no one to laugh at.

Monday, May 11, 2015

We Used To Be Friends

I like this song a lot.  I love songs with funny little noises pootling around in the background.  And, yeah.  It makes me think of a friend I lost.

Except, I haven't stopped thinking about you lately.  Lies or no lies.  I miss the friendship.

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet to the soul is all I intend.

a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

Come on now, honey,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, sugar,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
just remember me when.

It's something I said, or someone I know.
Or you called me up, maybe I wasn't home.
Now everybody needs some time,
and everybody know
The rest of it's fine
And everybody knows that.

Come on now, sugar,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
Just remember me when you're good to go
Come on now, honey,
bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
just remember me when.

We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends, hey

a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you,
Short and sweet to the soul is all I intend.

We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends a long time ago.
We used to be friends,
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh
a, ah-ahh-ahh-ahh

Tuesday, May 05, 2015

I've Been Looking So Long At These Pictures Of You

The third piece of evidence is probably the strongest. It's kinda hard to write about too. But only because it seems so obvious now.

Two bits of info for context. Firstly, the best part of our friendship was movie nights. We'd meet online, watch a film together, and just talk. Without the usual madness. It meant everything to me. It was in the days when MSN Messenger was our usual chat platform. Which often meant a lot of hanging around. When it worked? It was fabulous, for me at least. Though there were times she'd just disappear mid convo, or worse, simply not turn up. Funny thing is, she'd never cancel. I never got a message saying 'I can't do it tonight'. 

Then the was the constant ghost of LL. I remember my first introduction to her ''here's a bitch I know'. An ex, a friend, an enemy, the status of the relationship was never clear. Eventually she asked if I wanted to chat to KL as well. So that happened, though that seemed to take a much longer time than it ought.

I was suspicious, even called her out on it. But it seemed legitimate enough back then. Except.. I never bumped into them online at the same time.

One night she didn't turn up for a movie night. I was pretty low, so turned to the chat room I originally met her in. And there was KL. we chatted, and eventually we got to playing a game where I'd ask for her to take photos, pulling faces etc. and I got them. KL and I chatted for a week or so, but I missed my friend, and eventually KL got her to chat to me. Now it's so obvious. But then? I was naive.

I don't have those pictures any more, but they are proof of the existence of KL as someone I was chatting to.

Years later it came to me that maybe I had it backwards. She wasn't pretending to be KL, but rather the reverse.  It was a lightbulb moment that is amongst the most clear and bright I have ever had. It took me a few weeks to tell her this, and that email for a few hours gave me a sense of relief. She didn't deny it, but replaced her name with a new one. One maybe just too good to be true. But I was so desperate to believe, I swallowed everything.

It only lasted a few months. I was given a new face, then another. Then another.. Eventually I got SY. And I've told you have that worked out.

I've had other things that point to this being the truth. Things forwarded that clearly come from KL. little clues I've found online. Accused her a couple more times.

But it's the one face she's been aggressive about denying. But other times she's said things that only make sense in the KL context.

Sadly that accusation was the last time she actively asked for a movie night.  There were a handful after, but I had to beg for them. 

I think there's one more post in me. About this. Till next time..